amy's posterous

Holes in My Panties

I don't know where I got this idea, but I always envisioned people with stained, hole-filled underware as being poor. I was never going to be one of those.

My mother always told me to keep two sets of panties: nice ones and period ones. You kept period ones so you wouldn't ruin the nices ones during that time of the month. Another rule Mom taught: Always wear clean panties to doctor's appointments. This one is a weird rule because I never took my clothes off at the doctor's, so it didn't make sense to me... That is, until I started getting severe stomach aches and had to unbutton my pants so my doctor could examine my stomach. As gross and perverted as that may sound, I was glad that little area of exposed panties were new and clean.

When I got my driver's license, a whole new world opened up. Shopping at the mall! I could go to the mall by myself. One of the first treasures I discovered at the mall: Victoria's Secret cotton panties: 5 for $20!

What a deal! I could choose whatever style and color I wanted, mix and match, grab a couple thongs, a couple bikinis and maybe one granny panty (you know, a period one!). I could get a whole weeks worth of panties for only $20... the other two days I could figure out later.

One deal after another, I bought bundle after bundle. I loved the feeling of crisp, new panties. I loved wearing flash colors under my plain tee-shirt and jeans. It doesn't matter what you wear for the outside world to seem they'll never know the surprise hidden underneath.

I bought many panties using that 5 for $20 deal. During the Semi-Annual Sale, I'd be one of the thousands of crazy ladies fishing for fancy, lacy panties that are regularly $20-30 EACH marked down to $5-6! I loved it! At some point, Victoria's Secret upped the price of their fantastic deal to 5 for $25. I actually stared at the sign for a few minutes, angry that they are making their panties more expensive (and yes, made more cheaply!) but decided it was still a good deal and grabbed 10 pairs!

After I left school, I had to crack down on my spending budget... which became almost no budget. So I slowed down my panty purchases. My boyfriend Adrian would tease me: You would probably do your laundry more often if you didn't have so many pairs of underware!

After a while I noticed I had so many panties that my drawer wouldn't close. Time to clean out the drawers. I probably threw out 20 pairs, saved about 15 pairs that were too big for me (just in case I gained a couple pounds again!); I still had about 30 pairs left! It was sad... I think I stared at the pile for a few minutes mourning my loss, as if someone died!

Something had died: my ideal upscale life. The feeling of having brand new panties. Most importantly, the idea that I had such disposable income to spend on something ridiculous, like underware. Or the ridiculous idea that even though I dropped out of school, I could still afford my lifestyle, whatever that was. 

Something had died when I threw out those panties, but it didn't hit me for years later.

One night I was doing my laundry (because now I have to do it more often!) and I pulled one out of the dryer to find it in shreds! That's okay, just throw it away because there is more where that came from.

But it kept happening. One after another, all my panties were getting destroyed. Some of the elastic was getting stretched and they were becoming traveling panties! Others were getting holes in random places. And oh, my treasured Semi-Annual Sale lacy panties were getting fuzzy, for a lack of a better word.

One day I was getting dressed and my fingers punctured a hole between the elastic and the tummy part. I got so frusterated, I threw myself on the ground, sat cross-legged and started crying. (Thank you Adrian for not being around for this temper tantrum!) Why was I crying? It was a pair of panties! But to me, it was more than that. I had been throwing away one or two pairs a week for the past few months. Instead of constantly replenishing the supply, I was downsizing to a point of no return. All that was left were my ugly period ones... which was making them look better than they really were! I didn't have the money to buy some new ones because of my outrageous student loan payments.

I threw myself on the floor crying out of frustration because of a pair of shredding panties. Yes, I was frusterated because I had to come to the conclusion that at this time, I am one of those poor people. I have to pay my dues before I could be one of those people who always wears new panties. Ahhh, one day.

My resume... just in case you have a job waiting for me

Click here to download:
AmyArias.pdf (2.48 MB)
(download)

I've worked on this and worked on this resume for a while now. I've sent it here and there, and have not had a job offer. BUT, since this blog is about me as a college dropout, I figured it couldn't hurt to have my resume posted here. Here it is, and if anyone has any tips on how to improve it, I'm all ears...

Before you respond though, keep in mind this is a resume for a graphic designer, there are different rules than a traditional resume would have.

Angel Crazy Eyes

One time while I was in school, I was working late on a project. I was stressed and at a creative funk. Realizing that staring at my computer screen wasn't going to solve my design problem, I decided it was time to take a break and get something to eat.

Big Mac attack time!!! Except I don't eat Big Macs. I choose between Chicken McNuggets or a hamburger plain (no ketchup, no mustard, and no pickles!) So I get n he car and head to the nearest drive-thru. It's almost midnight, pretty late to eat but I'd be up for another two hours working, so I figure it wouldn't be sooo bad to eat late tonight.

I get in line, there is about three cars ahead of me. I sit there and suddenly BANG, BANG, BANG, someone is knocking on the driver side window. I screamed because it scared me. I look out the window and there is a lady standing there, looking at me with her huge bulging eyes. They reminded me of some crazy looking tweaker eyes! I don't know what to do!

Angel Crazy Eyes: Open the window.
Amy, cracking the window: Yes?
Angel Crazy Eyes: Hi Honey, how are you? Do you have any money to spare? I need gas money because I'm stranded. (She points at an empty car lot, but I am NOT about to question her.)

I grabbed some change from the ashtray, but Angel Crazy Eyes saw there was more change left and asked for more. Geez, a begger with no shame! How rude was that? Our converstation ended with her giving me a blessing and saying how my mom would be proud. Yeah, sure lady GET AWAY FROM ME! I rolled my window up and saw her knock on the rest of the car windows. Then she disappeared.

Probably a year later, I was pumping gas in my car at a gas station about two miles away from McDonalds. I go inside to prepay my gas and as I'm walking back to my car, who do I see, but Angel Crazy Eyes! She pops out with an empty gas jug in her hand. Come to think of it, she didn't have a gas jug the last time I saw her, maybe she's getting smarter?!? She asks me the same question, money for gas because she is stranded. I decline her offer, and run to my car, trying to figure out what would happen if I just drove off right now! Then I start thinking, "Why am I so fearful of her?"

Most recently, Angel Crazy Eyes appeared again. I was pulling into the Jack in the Box drive-thru, yes, late night again! And who do I see? Angel Crazy Eyes! Instead of staying in line, I back up and turn my car around to drive away. When I start driving away, I notice she has completely disappeared! My imagination starts swirling: What if she is hiding behind the tree and tries to jump in front of my car, in hope to file a lawsuit and get a lot more gas money?!? I drive away slowly and carefully to avoid any "accidents." I'm looking in all and any nooks and crannies to see her. She completely disappeared!

Is she an angel or something? Am I going to be punished with misfortune because I am not helping what I believe is just another transient? I've never seen Angel Crazy Eyes during the day. I've only seen her when I'm alone. Thinking about Angel Crazy Eyes makes me consider my biggest fear: becoming homeless due to my student loan debts. Right now, I am very dependent on my mom for keeping a roof over my head. Most of the money I make goes to paying my student loans (well, most of my loans) and the little bit of credit cards I'm still paying off. Oh, and gas money for my own car! If it wasn't for my mom, where would I be? Living with my boyfriend at his parent's house? Again, another situation of me depending on someone else.

I know how to break the cycle, WORK HARDER AND GET PAID MORE! A better job isn't going to land in my lap like the first one did. (As great as nepotism may have worked out for Tori Spelling, it didn't work out so great for me, but more on that later.) The day following my last sighting of Angel Crazy Eyes, I started working on my resume and a few weeks later, I went on a job interview. Did I get the job? No, but I am going to keep trying. I don't want to be dependent on anyone but myself and I like having a bed! I will forever keep Angel Crazy Eyes in my mind, so I don't lose focus and get somewhere in my life.

You got any spare change for gas?

Earth to In-and-Out... HELP, I'm addicted

Upon browsing through some of my writings, I came across this ode I wrote to In-and-Out last year. A little backstory: Last year, I kept getting sick, twice with bronchitis, and many other times with a few other infections. I went to an acupuncturist for some healing treatments and it was suggested I quit eating dairy and fried foods. So I did. I wrote this ode about three weeks after quitting cold turkey. Keep in mind, I am of Mexican descent, we love out cheese and fried foods! Not to mention I grew up in California, where fast food choices are a mere block away from where I live. So yes, this is my ode to one of my favorite restaurants. It was first published on, yes, Myspace in August 2008, I just had to pass the message along again. Enjoy!

Oh my, my, my... where to begin. As a child we always found it a treat on road trips. In-And-Out. The restaurant was easily recognizable from the freeway. It was always packed with people, but worth the wait since we've been cooped up in the car for many hours and any time out of the car is priceless time.

In-And-Out was a treat because we didn't have one close by my home. Well, we do have one in Ventura and Camarillo, but both were too far away to make the pilgrimage. I didn't start eating In-And-Out on a regular basis until they opened one up in Oxnard, conveniently after I got my driver's license, which meant I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

What about it do I love so much? The food? The atmosphere? The fact that you could literally watch the workers make your food? All of the above. As a child, windows were the greatest thing in the world because you can sit still and watch something interesting... ummm, sort of like a TV, without the electrically-induced hypnosis. The fries, oh my god the fries!!! Fries are the reason why my booty is probably a few inches too big, but oh my love!! Watching the workers skin the potatoes then put it in that contraption that cuts them into pieces was amazing. The taste of fries that have never been frozen... my fried-food palate knows the difference! Scary, yes!

It wasn't until Adrian introduced me to animal-styled fries was I hooked. They pour their secret sauce over the fries, add a slice of cheese and grilled onions (for a few years I didn't eat the onions, one of those things I saw my older siblings refuse so I thought I had to refuse them as well... younger-child syndrome... but since then I've learned to enjoy onions). OMG, I could eat those fries every day, except my stomach reminds me to eat something else, like green vegetables! 

The burger... it seems like a regular burger. Small in size, lettuce, tomato, onions, meat and two pieces of bread. Oh, and of course the secret sauce! The sauce is what makes it special. You know one time, I went to Vons and found a sandwich spread in the deli department. It looked like In-And-Out's special sauce, so a flash bulb popped up in my head and I decided to buy the spread to make my own burgers at home and save a few dollars in gas and food... Ewww, that was the worst stuff I've ever tasted in my life! Nope, the trek to In-And-Out it is!

The iced tea! I know iced tea is iced tea at fast food restaurants, but I don't care! I love to get a large iced tea from In-And-Out because, hello! it is In-And-Out's iced tea. Always a large, why? I can keep it by my bed and when the ice melts, it still tastes good in the morning, unlike soda.

I sit here tonight, wanting to go to In-And-Out sooo badly... I think about the last time I ate there, when was it? Monday? Friday? Ok, today is Thursday, I went to Vons today, had a sandwich yesterday, leftover pizza on Monday, ordered fresh pizza Friday... maybe it's been a week. A WEEK! Good thing I know they close at 11, which gives me about two hours to talk myself out of going there for a snack!

Why am I trying to avoid In-And-Out so much? Well, I am going to be a bridesmaid in about a year, and I don't want to be the "chubby-one," although that may be inevitable. Adrian and I have this crazy idea to train for a triathlon, although we have yet to set a date on that. There are a ton of reasons.

The real reason is that for the past two months, I believe I have eaten at In-And-Out two to three times a week. I keep telling myself that In-And-Out isn't as bad as other fast food restaurants, but when you're eating there on the other days, there is a problem. 

So, good bye In-And-Out, I must to save myself. I've broken my addiction to my nail-biting last year, I've been working on my other bad habit all of this year, I must try to break my addiction to you. As much as I love you In-And-Out, my body is mad at me. And I am mad at it for making me do this. Tonight, I portioned out my dinner to include a salad. I ate it, I did. Not happily. Ask my mom! I HATE EATING SALADS! Unfortunately, I haven't treated my body that well ever since I injured my shoulder (shhh, don't mention how long ago that was.) I have to regain control of myself! In-And-Out will become the treat is used to be when I was a child. And if not, I'll move far far away, where there isn't an In-And-Out in sight, yes! A born and raised California girl may be forced to, gulp, move EAST! I can't though, I won't! I will regain control.

Thank You for everything, In-And-Out!

What am I supposed to do... Lie?

Oh the anxiety! I hear people talk about how nervous they are thinking of their high school reunion.

 "I've gained so much weight! I wanna lose some of these rolls so (fill in the name of the hot guy/girl from your class) will WISH they had the chance!"

 "I don't want people to know I work a lame job... Maybe I'll tell them I invented the post-it's!" or whatever Romy and Michelle's scheme was.

 I wonder if many go for their yearbooks and read what was written in them... Me, I was the editor-in-chief of my high school's yearbook staff... I was too cocky to physically write in anyones yearbook because I dedicated a whole page to myself in the back of the book! I dreamt big then. I wrote about things coming full circle and experiencing peaks and valleys in life... You always end up where you are supposed to be, even if you don't like it. Wow, I was pretty in tune of things back in my youthful years.

 I don't worry about by high school reunions as much as I worry about running into people from high school out and about at stores, restaurants, or worse.... A bar!

 In fact, I may run into people tonight when I go to have a girls Saturday night out. Should I duck and hide from those I may run into? At 25 years old, I think I'm getting to be too old for that. Should I just ignore them? That may make me look too snobby.

 Ummm, or maybe I'll just conversate with them, like we used too. What would I say about what I'm doing with my life? Telling the producer from "The Price is Right" that I am a graphic designer/makeup artist didn't get me any camera time (don't worry Drew, I'm thinking of a plan b to get on your show!)

 What am I supposed to do... Lie?

Things didn't turn out as planned

I always saw myself as a future college graduate. Picture it: a beautiful late spring afternoon, a sea of people wearing black gowns, waves of people in the audience holding up streamers, using obnoxious blow-horns. People screaming at their educated loved ones for achieving an enormous feat of completing a few more years of education not required by the state of law. Sitting in my seat, feeling a huge amount of pride and accomplishment.

Then, of course, after the ceremony we would have a huge party to celebrate me certified in managing many nights studying, sleepless days and raging party weekends while maintaining decent grades. Yes, my many loved ones, relatives from all over will come and leave me many wonderful gifts, ahem, money to pay off some credit card bills accumulated through more impulse buys than one could imagine (I did return those that didn't fit, but most of my purchases seemed to work out just fine!) Oh my goodness, this $135 Lucky Brand purse was soooo cute when I saw it in Vegas, the patches will match every single outfit I own! Also fast forward four years and the seams are busting and some of the leather patches have ripped, but anyways!

So why are these thoughts just thoughts and not my reality? Well, things didn't turn out the way I had planned.

My First Blog Post... AmytheDropout.posterous.com

This is a blog describing some of the trials and tribulations I have had since I left college three years ago. From the ease of finding my first job (and how they closed recently), to dealing with student loan lenders (don't they get it, the payments are TOO HIGH!) and even my thoughts of changing careers, you will hear it, straight up and honest, even if it hurts. 

In fact, as I write this, I am still contemplating whether or not I was correct in choosing graphic design as my career path, knowing deep down inside that I love to write. My hope with this blog is to become comfortable and confident in my writing skills, and most importantly, help myself and others feel OKAY with the thought of never graduating from college.

Life as a College Drop Isn't So Bad... dissecting the social stigma of the 21st century. By Amy Arias